Years of throat infections and silence.
Or worse, words that did not serve me.
A giggle when I was uncomfortable.
The confusion at the synchronized act that others seemed to inherently know, and I did not.
The defending 'judging eyes' and clenched jaw.
Things I should have said, and should have felt strong in sharing. Instead of questioning my truth. I truly believed that the only voice that I had of influence, was my sexual expression. It became energy that I was familiar with but did not recognize as myself. I could not see this energy as my voice, my truth, my energy. So I set off to find it.
What I have come to know is that doubt will lead you in every direction except home.
It was a long road to the woman I am now. A road past shame, feelings of unworthiness, and fear. A road lit by hope. Hope that someone else was within the shell that I was. Hope that the potential for light and peace that I dreamed for myself, could be real.
This hope took me into my heart space. Where a fire was waiting for me to find my warmth.
'You are special' the fire spoke on to me.
'You are loved,'
'You are going to do great and fierce things'.