Updated: Apr 20, 2020
It weighs on you. I know that it does. That belief that you keep away from the light. The fear that sometimes creates a kamikaze control on your behavior. The blame that you punish yourself with. Maybe it started small. A moment of confusion. One that was analyzed from the safety of your bed that night. Where the introspection led you to believe that there was a linear wit in some situations. With understanding it, you agreed to fit this memory back into the pattern of similar instances. An agreement of similarities made between you and reality. Or maybe you were not so carefully adjusted. Perhaps this weight was not slow with its presence. But instead, all at once. Starting with a day that seemed unassuming, One that you just existed in; until it happened. The phone call. The news. The vision. The experience. The moment. IT. Whatever it was, the weight that was not there, and now takes up more and more of your space. Somehow, it happened. And it weighs on you. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. The complete fear of being exposed. Fear of being caught in the act of wrongdoing. The temporary paralysis that locks out time when you even think of being revealed as the set of intentions and fears that you keep secret. The judgment. The regret. The instant where everything good is taken back, as you were assessed as unworthy. A lie. An imposter. Shame. The rushing of blood in your ears. The heat across your body. The raw, primal fury that acts as your defense system. The enigma that you want the right person to know the answer to, but not the route. Like all shadows, shame does not come by itself. It hides beneath the evident symptoms of doubt, worry and fear. These symptoms act as proof to an agreement of consequence which needs to be altered. These symptoms prove that shame has already started to alter you. Your weight (shame), soon becomes the largest elephant in the room. One that doubt, worry and fear will rally in front of and protect as a secret of their own. If you approach it, doubt will make you so uncertain of the ground below your step. It will make you wonder why you are taking the direction that you are. Doubt will take you so far down the rabbit hole- that you won’t even move. And in your paralyzed state, you may even thank it for saving you from making a mistake. Worry will tap into your envisioning and poison your creativity. Showing your mind’s eye the potential depths of the tragedies that are to follow. Terrorizing your mind and draining the reservoirs of strength and bravery. Taking the fight out of you before you even addressed the shame you intended to fight with. And fear. Fear rallies the energy within you. The feelings linked to your most personal roots, the emotions stitched to every memory. Fear rallies this energy and attacks the mind. Coursing through its host like an autoimmune disease. Fighting you with the very moments, memories and imagination that you have created. And shame gets buried. Protected by these big ‘ole bullies. Not to be spoken of. And it grows every time you give into doubt, worry and fear. Until you recognize the scheme. Until you realize the sham that is the shame. Until you take back the power that you surrendered once to a feeling of inadequacy and have been surrendering ever since. Because, just to be clear, it was your deciphering of behavior that allowed for the initial agreement between you and reality. And I am not saying this to punish you with blame, but instead, to empower. You can go back. Each time you meet that situation of precedent, you can make a new agreement. Another testament to reality, and framework for the response you want to take. You can change your mind, and with your mind, you will change your life. See the experience through your power. It was your drive for all that is good and right that created the space for doubt to derail you. It was your gifted imagination and beautiful questioning that formed the negative space for worry to tread. And it is the magic and power within you that gets sabotaged into fear, all to protect and agreement that needs to be addressed. Shame. In the networks of your thoughts and actions, there was a path that is light, and with light, there is the attraction of darkness. Both will exist, it is the duality of existence, but you choose what path you walk. Just by taking more steps on it. You have everything that you need to remove that weight off of you. It won’t be easy, but you have the tools. The first step is to run past the doubt, the worry and the fear. Cannonball right into the unexplored pool that has been fueling the currents of your mind.
If this strategy feels too rushed then slow it down. Whisper forgiveness and soothe the panic that arises with the tides of doubt. Talk to yourself through the deepening of your breath. Your fear, worry, doubt and shame have been driving you because they knew that they could. Gently forgive their assumption that you should not or could not navigate your own path, and take the wheel. You got this.
Use your voice and ask for support. Name the shame. Give voice to the abyss that you fear will take away from your worth. Because I promise you it won't. I give you my word. Nothing that you will name, can expose anything other than the beautiful heart that has been holding the burden of a secret world, for far too long.