It wasn't them. It was me.

The truth I found about my toxic relationships.

I called my mom from Hawaii last year.

It was after a pretty intense revelation,

An unraveling of a deep belief that I had curated for myself.

In our group journaling

I realized that I had limitations

around where I could show up and how much of myself was welcomed.

My family and I had such a raw history.

There was a time (12 years) where we were bad for each other.

Love was manipulated into something more dangerous.

Something that became fear, games and limitations.

And the thing about those relationships,

Is that there is no forgiveness,

and seldom any change.

I knew that the relationships that I wanted would have to be supported by my development.

The call that I had with my mom

was to tell her how much I love her,

and invite her to spend time with me

Outside of the family home.

I asked for this because I felt as though I had to leave some of myself at the door when I went to enter their house.

As if not all of me was welcomed.

So I asked to meet in a neutral place,

where we would both invest in our relationship.

It stunned me to remember that this conversation was less than a year ago.

And so much has changed.

Now, the relationship that I have with my family is brilliant.

Something that I did not think was possible after our painful past.

We had a miracle happen.


When I agreed to marry James,

He had met my immediate family only once.

The age difference had been worrisome,

And our history was unforgiving.

It wasn’t until two weeks before the wedding

That my father told me that he had a change of heart,

And would like to join our celebration.

That day was filled with so much love,

It was as though the threads that connected us back to the past

They were released.

And a new life, between us all, was born.

This was only four months after my retreat in Hawaii.

Four months after asking for boundaries,

And setting the intention to grow something beautiful.

I had intentions for my difficult relationships,

But I had stronger intentions for myself.

See, I had my course of alignment,

And for the first time,

I didn’t need to ‘make anyone else understand.’

I didn’t feel the need to prove my point

Or hold resentment over the differences of others.

I just focused on me.

I want to take you through the changes that brought love back into relationships that I thought I could not have.

1. I stayed in my course. I found an energy that I resonate with and I refused to accept anything else. I refused to lower my frequency for any circumstance, person, situation or belief.

In Hawaii, I was always dancing, singing, playing. I was so connected to myself that I was able to have clarity on where I was holding myself back. I determined that the vibration that I was dancing and singing with on the island would come home with me and live in my body. I was so grateful for the grace that I had experienced, that I celebrated it into my life. Anything less than this energy in my life is something that I won’t entertain.

2. I sent love at the pain. Literally. Instead of fighting my resistance with hostile behavior, an army of supporting best friends and a supporting storyline of ‘they suck’, I would say to myself

“I am releasing my control, I accept that we are disagreeing, and I am sending love”.

And that is hard. On Father's Day I had sent a short text, and received no reply, I had been thinking of my dad all day and how he loves to receive the sappiest of gifts. So, despite his refusal to attend my wedding (at the time), I recorded a poem and sent it to him. It was called I think of you when. It would have been easier to hold on to my resentment and heaven knows that I behaved that way before, but instead of bracing myself against my hurt, I opened myself to offer love. He listened to this poem 50 times and it was a deciding factor in his opened and changed heart.

3. I did not ask for anyone else to go the extra mile. I gave myself what I wanted from others.

We get disappointed when expectations are not met and our expectations are linked to our needs. So cover your own needs. Give yourself the rest, the joy, the time that you want someone else to pay you. Spoil yourself. Date yourself. You know what truly feeds you, what inspires you, create it for yourself. I started giving myself the love that I wanted to receive, the compassion and bravery to do what I was asking others to validate.

Creating these behaviors helped lessen the influence that I allowed others to have over me. The toxicity that I thought defined our relationship was the power that I had given them over me. I used these ‘toxic’ relationships to reflect the attention that I did not give myself. When my behavior changed, it gave permission for my relationships to change. And what they grew to be was better than I could ever imagine.

So give to yourself.

Send love at the painful parts.

And focus on your development, and where you grow best.

Also, create safe and inspiring situations that allow for self-reflection. My time in Hawaii started an accelerating process that did in 4 months, what I wanted to do for 12 years. And I will be going back in just over a month for another intentional and self-reflective retreat. You should come with me. It is a game changer.

With love to you as you create an intentional and inspired life,


The Messy Healer

P.s. head over to IG to participate in the contest allowing the winner to bring her bestie for FREE! Follow me at the.messy.healer


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